Showing posts with label Inspired by. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Inspired by. Show all posts

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Inspired by old scribbles

Mistake

I hate the way you cause my head to think the things I do,
my issues turn to concrete doubts -
and all scream that it's you.

But searching for a clear answer, when things just aren't the same,
just causes pressure, and then starts
an endless waiting game. 

The problems that make so much sense when written on a page,
soon jumble up and get confused;
when yelled in bouts of rage.

I wish I hadn't said those things that brought us to this place,
now silence flutters freely,
and blankness roams the face.

I think I'd rather have a glare or hear you raise your voice,
than have to see you walk away,
and now I have no choice.

Thursday, 13 June 2013

Inspired by a bad mood

Low

A smile, a laugh, like all is fine,
an actress poised to speak a line, 
a talent honed to turn and hide
from birds that peck the brain inside.
Whispering voices drill in fear,
to alienate those who come too near.
A cloud that rests upon the head; 
steals emotion and fills with dread.
A day, a month, a year goes past,
demons lay dormant, then, at last,
when they seem like a rotten dream
they fly back in and start to scream.
The path of happiness? Never for you,
stolen from those with a soul that is true.
And now it is time to give them it back
and return to a world shrouded in black.
On days full of grief these words take a hold,
cutting your heart out and leaving you cold,
but in the moments where blue sky breaks through
set free all the monsters to reclaim you.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Inspired by the past

Encounter

Bodies meet that were apart,
the dregs of two who shared a heart.
Thoughts and feelings overgrown,
yet hands cling to what is known.
Fuelled by alcohol, led by lust,
ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Motions spin and juices flow -
forgotten sounds begin to grow.
The deed complete, what's done is dead;
the lost still left, a fucked up web.
Morning dry mouth, tangled limbs,
guilty thoughts speak unsaid things.
Back to bedrooms, slowly creep,
and next time pray to simply sleep.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Inspired by a friend

I wrote this as a thankyou to a friend as he helped broaden my musical horizons by making me a CD. He has recently moved to London from Leeds, so I wanted to write him something about it that felt personal but could be appreciated by others as well. I hope it is! 
Having taken the time to write this, I realised how much I miss writing poetry, so in theory you should see some more creative pieces on here throughout the year. That's the plan anyway!

The Big Smoke
A journey is taken from North to South,
from heart of the country to urban mouth.
An arduous passage of sixty leagues,
through midlands, motorways, borders and trees.
A city where gherkins are made of glass;
and girls are all ‘darlin’s’ no chance of a ‘lass’.
A place where two snakes roam freely around -
one flows below bridges, one’s underground.
Although it is change from what used to be,
It’s chance to explore and hopefully see;
strange become normal and normal is fine,
(but don’t let normal be boring in time).
So keep living your life with a smile on your face,
and if the worst happens? Kick it back into place.

Monday, 10 September 2012

Inspired by change

Rider

I'm a cynical bitch with a sexual itch;
a money crazed fiend in an OCD glitch.
So feed on my weakness and prey on my fear,
keep me coming so hard that I need you here.
And when I leave in the spin of a wheel,
the cool sense of loss is all that I feel; 
though not for the boy I've left sleeping in bed,
or the chasteness and innocence - long since dead -
but the girl of five years ago still in my brain,
who cannot believe that I've done it again.
She screams at the lust that drives me to act
(that leaves me frequently flat on my back)
and makes me question if I actually care,
when I know that desire is all that is there.
But if this is a story of cock and bull,
charge into me darling, give me cock to the full.

Monday, 6 June 2011

Inspired by escapism

The Many Faces Of Skye McKinty (part 2)
The woman, I later found out to be named Brenda, assured me that all men are stupid sometimes, and he’d come after me if he knew what was good for him. I thought this was rather an ambitious promise to make someone she’d been chatting with for barely thirty minutes.
For the remainder of the train journey I conjured up some extra gems of information. It seemed that once I began, I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything that related to my real life.
“So now I’m going to have to go to the wedding alone.” I finished, after a particularly imaginative tangent. At this point Brenda had turned in her seat to face me, and was nodding with a look of sheer sympathy in her eyes.
“Well, at least you can dance with the best man now without feeling guilty, that’s what the bridesmaids are supposed to do aren’t they?” She sighed, signalling that she was desperately clutching for the next positive thing to say about being single. “And I’m sure your sister will have kept the receipt for the suit he was going to wear. Men have loads of friends, so I’m sure they’ll find another usher without a problem, you shouldn’t worry about it.”
The food trolley came around, and Brenda insisted on buying me a cup of tea, apparently with the aim of cheering me up. She offered me a sweet from a packet she had in her handbag, and proceeded to tell me about the first boyfriend who had dumped her, and all the good it did her to, “Finally get shot of him”. It certainly perked up the train ride.
I appreciated the turn of conversation onto her, as I had begun to realise how difficult it was to be convincing when lying for a while. It gave me a new admiration for husbands that had affairs behind their partners’ backs. If you can call it admiration.
The familiar next stop announcement rang out through the carriage. “Well, this is me.” I stood; ready to lug my bag onto the platform. I was surprised, and a little shocked, when Brenda got up as well. She placed her arms around me in a loose hug, thrusting the remaining bag of sweets into my hand. “For the journey back home,” she said with a smile, and sat back into her seat. “It was lovely meeting you, best of luck with your sister’s wedding. And your future, of course. Don’t let him come crawling back!” I nodded, and then walked to the door, my hand sliding slightly on the rail as the train jolted to a stop.
It was once I’d got home, and was back in my usual spot lying on my bed staring at the ceiling, that I actually considered what I’d done. I could bump into Brenda anywhere, and the whole scenario would backfire on me. It had given me a huge rush though. I had found myself almost believing the untruths I was spinning at the time.
It appeared that there could be benefits for others that came from making up stories too. It probably made Brenda feel good to offer some personal advice, even if it did cost her £1.20. She would go home, safe in the knowledge that her jewels of wisdom had been planted in an impressionable mind, and then perhaps go back and relive past memories of her exes, laughing at her naivety. Where is the harm in faking a personality for an hour, if it results in tea and sympathy?
Realistically, I knew I would have to plan these things if I were to do the same again, and I’d have to be selective with how far I pushed my stories, as I couldn’t have them getting too similar. I would need to check train routes and times so that the same people weren’t likely to be around. I would change certain aspects of how I looked each time, so that even if someone did happen to be in the same place twice, it wouldn’t be obvious straight away. I’d start listening in to other people’s stories and twist them, or peruse gossip magazines for morsels that I could manipulate into something useable. There would be no hint of the real me, that nondescript twenty one year old from my party.
So began a dangerous habit.

Monday, 30 May 2011

Inspired by escapism

The Many Faces Of Skye McKinty (part 1)
I am twenty one, and will be for the next two hundred and twenty six days. The celebrations that took place for this supposedly momentous occasion were mediocre at best. There were plenty of guests, that wasn’t a problem. Sending hand-made invitations out two months before meant few could deliver believable excuses for not attending. It gave the impression of being special and unique, perhaps echoing what my parents thought of me.
The atmosphere was just wrong though. It was awkward, confused. Like a children’s clown turning up to a fortieth birthday and performing anyway. I felt false and exposed. People came from afar expecting an amazing event, when really it was the same party as every year, except with an upgraded cake and a forced thankyou speech. Even then the cake was still shop-bought, just from a specialist bakery, it’s not like it was made with love and effort like a real birthday cake should be.
Everyone bought me a gift, and it was a pretty good haul, I just felt slightly guilty at not providing the chrysalis to butterfly transformation that my guests seemed to want from me. It was as though old family friends, not heard of for a decade, thought I would have changed from the gawky, not-quite-pretty teenager into a beautiful woman. I hadn’t.
I stood there, warm white wine in hand, telling people of my plans for the future after university, when a voice in the back of my head was simultaneously shaking my brain, saying, “Why are you doing this?” I ignored it.
I am an only child. This is a fact I came to accept gradually, after years of praying for a brother or sister to play with had not come to fruition. There was to be no comrade in the fight against the pair in power. I actually quite like it now that I’ve got used to it. I never had the annoying older brother to play pranks on me, or the younger sister stealing my makeup. Having a mum and dad in the house was enough company for me, a girl who ultimately enjoys spending time by herself.
I can wile away the hours just lying on my bed thinking, or with my nose stuck in a book; a dreamer, some have said. This is always regarded as a negative trait, the explanation as to why I haven’t done my work, or how my hamster died from starvation, but I think it has benefits. I can shut off when in the midst of an argument, and if I forget my book on a train, I’ll amuse myself. That’s how it all began actually.
I was travelling home for Christmas after another term at university, armed with a suitcase of dirty washing and not much else. It was a commuter train, and I was sat next to a middle aged woman. She had pearl earrings in. Whenever we went through a tunnel, the last glimpse of light caught on the one nearest me, so it looked like a mini crystal ball. She must have caught me staring and felt uncomfortable, so she started a conversation to ease the tension.
“Busy today, isn’t it?” She smiled, and I saw remnants of coral coloured lipstick on her teeth.
“Yeah.” I looked down at my tray table where a can of coke stood. I started following the can’s lettering with my eyes, but it made me go cross-eyed, so I gave up. The woman gave a small sigh, and I got the impression she had mistaken my short attention span for ignorance. Willing to give me a chance to redeem myself, she continued.
“On your way home are you?” She glanced over at my suitcase that was so full it looked bloated- a clear indication that I had packed in a hurry.
I could have just told the truth, but at that moment, it seemed too predictable.
“I’m moving back to my mums.” I sniffed pathetically and began twisting my hands in my lap. “My boyfriend told me he’s met someone else, and I had to leave his flat.” I suppressed a smile at the look of surprise on the woman’s face. “It’s this woman called Stacey who works in his office. I cooked us all dinner when she got divorced a few months ago.” Another sniff. “Turns out the reason they got divorced was nothing to do with her ex not wanting kids. And I sat there and lapped it all up, thinking I had the perfect relationship.” Then I brought out the big guns. I mustered up a few tears, that promptly slid down my face, painting faint lines in my makeup.
I don’t really know why I felt the need to spin a fanciful story, and perhaps if I had been sat next to somebody else, I wouldn’t have bothered. I think it was the crystal ball earrings that did it. Their combination with a sneaky peer into her bag to reveal a Tupperware container of pasta salad and a copy of Red magazine had told me that she was the mumsy type, even with her city slicker suit on. Mumsy types love a good sob story, and a young girl to comfort. I had a journey to fill, and couldn’t be bothered talking about my own uneventful life, so it seemed a fun idea to make one up. Being an only child means my acting skills are impeccable- after all, there’s only one person to be the dragon, the princess and the knight if you’re playing pretend on your own.

Thursday, 12 May 2011

Inspired by a need to laugh

The Frog

There was an old man from Quahog,

who swallowed a troublesome frog.

Asleep in his bed

it fell on his head

while hiding away from the dog.

The frog was well known about town,
for being a bit of a clown.
He took up a wife
(the rumours were rife)
but the couple settled right down.

The Frog-Wife prepared for attack,
to get her poor Frog-Husband back.
She thought up a plan
to hurt the old man
and rescue his unforeseen snack.

She found his nice hot cup of tea,
and slipped pepper in it with glee,
he drank it so quick,
it made him feel sick,
and he shouted, ‘How can this be?’

The old man could stand it no more
and threw up all over the floor.
Out jumped the frog,
a cat and a dog,
and all took a run for the door.

The two young frogs ran far away
The poor old man died the next day.
Some said it was shock,
some said ‘Poppycock!’
And the frogs yelled, ‘Hip hip hooray!’

Monday, 25 April 2011

Inspired by a trip to Paris

St-Germain l'Auxerrois

A stone figure gestures peace in a foreign land.
To how many travellers has this promise been made?
Above him, a gold clock counts the passage of time,
its cogs turning for hundreds of years;
undeterred by war, sickness or death.

Rules have been broken in this place,
but the tick of the second hand provides regularity -
comfort in a strange domain.
Reminding that time is universal,
binding the world together.

The building, still pale after so long,
looms over the water, though it is far from ominous.
A beacon of safety, it beckons visitors to pray,
its doors wide open,
like a mother’s arms waiting for her child.

There are those whose hands have done far from show peace,
stealing lives from time’s kingdom.
Yet still the stone man welcomes them,
the doors pull them into the fold,
and loving arms cleanse their sins.

If only a figure of flesh held so much forgiveness.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Inspired by people-watching

Turning Point
Tessa walked through the glass double doors and instantly hated the bustle of the place. The coolness of the air outside had made her eyes sting, but the artificial heat within the walls of The Brasserie made her feel claustrophobic and vulnerable. She squeezed the hand of her three year old son who trotted beside her and he gazed up with eyes that hadn’t seen a lot of the world yet. She wished she could protect him from the burden of growing up so his eyes could stay that way forever.
Her friends, whenever they came round for coffee, would always swap stories about the ‘adorable’ questions their children asked them. Things like, “Why is Auntie Susan so fat?” and “Why are those doggies jumping on each other?” But stories like this only caused a shadow of dread to settle over Tessa, and the laugh that was forced from her lips would sound hollow and fake. She couldn’t bear to think of the day when Bertie would ask, “Why are you getting dressed mummy, when you get back into bed when daddy leaves?” or, “Why don’t you answer the telephone when it rings?” It is one thing for a child to ask questions, but it is another when there are no reasonable answers to give to them.
Her husband Daniel pulled out a chair for her to sit on and then went to the bar to order some drinks. She sat down and helped Bertie to look at his menu, moving the green napkin and extra set of cutlery out of his way. She thought it seemed a little adult to bring Bertie here, but Daniel had assured her it was child-friendly. Glancing at his broad smile to the barman as he paid, she felt a sudden twinge of guilt. If a meal out as a family once a month was enough to persuade him that she was happy, it was a sacrifice she was willing to make.
Meg took a sip from her wine glass. She hoped the garlic from her starter didn’t linger on her breath, as she had already decided that she wouldn’t reject a kiss from James at the end of the night. Her mother would gloat over the success of the evening, having introduced the couple two weeks previously; she always was one to make sure she got the credit she deserved.
“So what is it you do Meg, your mum mentioned you were in retail?”
“Erm yeah, I’m a window dresser for Selfridges, it’s pretty much my dream job. I get to put gorgeous outfits together that cost more than I earn in a year, and I’ve met loads of amazing people. It’s really good to be part of an industry that’s constantly changing, you know?”
“Yeah, I can’t imagine anything worse than being bored at work, that’s the main reason I went back to college. Sales just wasn’t the area for me. Some people talk to you like you’re worthless, it did my head in.” Meg nodded, admiring the plushness of her surroundings. She had never been to this place before, and it seemed pretty upmarket. She hoped that James would pay the bill.
The waiter brought over their main courses, and James topped up their wine. The smell from his steak and the sight of the blood as he cut into it caused Meg to feel slightly faint. She considered making a beeline for the toilets, but didn’t want to seem rude. Eyes firmly on the art-deco wallpaper above him; she focused on the flavours from her moussaka and hoped that the wave of nausea would subside. He seemed to be worth it so far.
“She’s an absolute fucking bitch mate, you need to show her that she can’t dick you around like that, it’s out of order.” Jake watched as Olly’s hand gestures became more animated as he continued. “Do you think if you’d done that she’d just be sat here nursing a pint? Bollocks! She’s a woman, she’d be straight ‘round to your parent’s house telling them what an arse you are, or cutting your clothes up or something.”
“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, hey?”
“What? Mate look at you, sat here moping, spurting out Shakespeare, where are your balls?”
“She’s probably taken them with her, wherever she’s gone.”
Jake finished his pint and stood up to go to the gents. He wanted some peace. Olly was the only one of his friends who was free when he found the note, and he was now regretting meeting up. He didn’t want to talk about it; he just wanted to get gradually pissed and then maybe fall asleep on the sofa watching late night repeats of Family Guy. Perhaps going to his parent’s house as he first thought would have been a wiser move. At least his mum wouldn’t suggest he throw paint over Jess’s car, and his dad might bring out the whisky.
As he walked through the door to the toilets he bumped into a large man with a thick gold watch clearly visible on his wrist. Jake wished he owned such luxuries, as it would certainly help the situation he now found himself in. He was already dreading getting the bill, as Oliver’s choice of venue was slightly above his normal budget, and that was before all of this had happened.
Alec returned to the table and put a chunky hand on Naomi’s shoulder.
“So, who’s for some champagne to seal the deal?” He smiled at his guests, and gestured over to the waitress who was loitering in the corner in wait for his next request.
“A magnum of Veuve, eight glasses, and have one yourself” he added, with a wink at the brunette.
A risky investment from a couple of years ago had finally paid off. It meant a substantial pay rise for each of the area managers, and plans being drawn up for an extension to head office meaning the business could branch out into foreign waters.
It was worth a celebration. He’d give Naomi a bonus too. She always kept the wives sweet at these monthly dinners, and employees who were getting laid without having to pay meant less grumpy meetings and fewer disgruntled workers. For how discreet and loyal she was, the money he already paid her was a drop in the ocean.
Naomi had been Alec’s ‘wife’ for the past three years. As he looked at her now, she smiled warmly, her chestnut brown bob reflecting the dimmed lights. She made a joke to the other women, the Scottish lilt to her voice emphasising her easygoing demeanour. Alec had been careful to choose a girl who wasn’t too pretty for him, as he didn’t want people guessing that he paid for her. Their relationship was strictly professional. Alec was no longer interested in sex, one of the reasons why his ex-wife had left him, and he was far too busy to waste his time looking for a real relationship. The arrangement had suited them both.
Naomi accompanied Alec to business events, social dinners, and went on holiday with him twice a year. In return he paid the mortgage on her apartment, as well as an hourly rate when she was with him. All she had to do was look pretty, sound intelligent and steer clear of gossip that might reveal her identity.
The brunette arrived with the champagne.

Monday, 28 February 2011

Inspired by childhood

Northlands
I always looked forward to the tumble over to Yorkshire to visit my grandparent’s house. Just visible from the road through the trees, I could picture them pottering away inside or, as was often the case, outside. Northlands was its name.
It was a huge house. As an eight year old I never really contemplated it, but I’d imagine it was built in the 1900s. The rooms were large and spacious, with bulky wooden bay windows, a narrow cellar and a drawing room - not like the depressing terraces of the ‘30s, or the cookie-cutter detached houses of more modern times.
It was a perfect house for grandparents. It had a massive garden; I’ve since been told they were frequently approached to sell some off as a housing plot. In the summer, snapdragons in magenta and orange crawled up a trellis in the centre, separating the nondescript area of grass by the garage from the proper garden. This was where the swing was, a slightly rusted green thing that had been there since my dad was a child. Despite its age, it showed no signs of bowing to the northern winds, or incessant winter rain. It was the first thing my sister Jasmine and I ran to after our two-hour car journey. We craved the wind in our hair, and for our feet to touch the bottom branches of the tree that hung over it. It made us feel like humans again, instead of suitcases travelling somewhere, squashed and overheated. People often joked that the resilient swing reminded them of my grandparents, that they’d still be there sturdy as ever in ten years time.
When I was thirteen though, my grandma suffered a stroke. They were unable to cope with such a vast house afterwards, so Northlands was begrudgingly put on the market and snapped up. Grandpa’s greenhouse was left behind, next to the swing. He used to always be in there, watering his tomatoes, chuckling to himself as we chased each other around the garden. Sometimes he’d call us in to try something, lifting us up to grab a grape from the vines slung across the roof, the juice making our fingers sticky with the artificial heat.
There was an outside fruit and vegetable patch too, row upon regimented row, perfectly aligned. Fresh sweet-tasting peas that we popped from their pods, and blackberries and raspberries that Grandma let us collect with a basket, pretending to be Little Red Riding Hood. We’d walk back up the steps to the house with our treasure, and she would transform it into a pie or tart, perfectly browned with sugar that crackled in our mouths as we ate. It created a challenge for us after the stroke, as she became diabetic. We spent a lot of time in their new house concocting various recipes using sweeteners and sugar-free substitutes, but the berries always remained home-grown, some things just couldn’t be compromised on.
We never needed a television or toys at Northlands. Instead, we’d play hide and seek. There were so many places to hide that one game could often take an hour, even with Grandma helping. I’d climb into the mechanic’s pit in Grandpa’s garage, scared of the dark, but sure that I’d be difficult to find, or sneak the keys from the back door and unlock the air-raid shelter. A few times Jasmine gave up, and Grandma had to wander around shouting my name until I came out, after eventually realising that it wasn’t some trick for me to lose. Whoever won would get a stick of Juicy Fruit from her secret recipe drawer. Mum and Dad wouldn’t let us have chewing gum, so it was the ultimate prize.
Even now, that smell of must and crumbling brick takes me back to hiding in the shelter. It always made me wrinkle my nose, but never stopped me from returning. It was such a contrast when Grandma and Grandpa moved into the new house, as all the smells seemed so alien - fresh paint and medicine. The furniture felt cramped in the small, modern rooms, although the same wallpaper and colours as in the old house had been lovingly applied to the perfectly levelled walls. It provided the sense of familiarity that they desperately craved.
Mornings at Northlands were always fun, if we got to stay over. We’d be up and about early, and occasionally we’d take cereal and toast and eat in the travelling caravan that perched on the driveway, brought out of slumber for an hour in preparation for its annual two-week tour of France.
After breakfast we’d feed the fish. The house was set atop a small hill, so the pond had three tiers - the bottom pond was more like a lake to us as children. Now and again there would be a bubble of frogspawn in the corner, and we’d put a margarine carton around it to stop the fish eating it. If we stayed for a few days, we’d check it every day for signs of the mummy frog, waiting for the day when the slimy tadpoles would emerge from the mush and wriggle around the algae like animated commas.
Grandpa still has a pond, though it is considerably smaller. If we visit there now, Jasmine and I always make a habit of wandering outside to sprinkle the little pellets in the water, and an empty margarine carton stays in the fridge the year round, just in case.
Sometimes we’d go into Hornsea, the town where they lived. Avid churchgoers and well-wishers, my grandparents would know everyone we walked past, and just getting to Candy Corner, the old fashioned sweet shop, would take twice as long as necessary. At this point, me and Jasmine would be pulling at their hands, the scent of sherbet and gummy bears having wafted into our noses with each shut of the shop door. We got traditional sweets; lemon bonbons or midget gems, and Jas and I would swap some, arguing over the fairness of getting two fizzy cola bottles for a chocolate eclair.
Entertained with our sweets, we’d go into their church, a dull building from the outside that was majestic once through the doors. Grandma would go and make us cups of tea in the kitchen, and Jas and I would sit on each of Grandpa’s knees while he practised his organ playing. On some days he’d let us play, and the shrill of the pipes always made me jump. I remember feeling a sense of grandeur from taming such a powerful machine.
At Christmas and birthdays, Grandpa is swamped with cards from people of the congregation. I’m astonished he ends up with more than our family of four. Every week, he walks into Hornsea, and still plays the organ to those that come to the service. After so long providing Grandma with round-the-clock care, I think he enjoys feeling needed by such a large group of people, and it fills the void.
***
I drove past Northlands a while ago, and it is completely different. Its potential for PVC windows, a conservatory and a large modern kitchen meant that the family that moved in ripped it to pieces. I think I’d rather it was like that, though. If it remained there unchanged, it would make me sad at all our family memories still floating around its rooms. Instead, there is a BMW 4x4 on the drive, and luminous girly pink paint on the walls of one of the bedrooms. Northlands, if that is still its name, is making new memories now, and I can keep it how it was in my head forever. Perfect.

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Inspired by my rabbit!

Florrie
Mum was crying again when I got up this morning. I’m sort of used to it now because it happens so often. I just go and sit in the kitchen and watch Florrie. She has really nice eyes that don’t look happy or sad, and I like that she can just sit in her hutch, crunching the food that I give her, without having to feel anything.
Sometimes, when I get her out and she’s running around the house, her eyes go really big so I can see the white bits and then I know she’s scared. I know she must be scared because she only does it when things make her jump, like when Mum turns the vacuum cleaner on, or I stand up too quickly from the table or the sofa. When her eyes do that I start to move really slowly and put my hand in front of her eyes and then stroke her.
Rabbits can only see sideways, so you can’t touch them straightaway from above or they get frightened. I read that in a book that Grandma got me for Christmas. It’s called ‘Looking After Your Pet Rabbit’ and has a picture of a big black and white bunny on the front. Florrie doesn’t look like that though. She’s all grey, with little white fluffy bits under her chin. Her ears are smaller too, because she’s a dwarf rabbit and they don’t get big ears.
When I first got her I carried her home in a box from the pet shop and she was tiny. The box was white and had little holes in so that she could breathe. Even though she was small, I sometimes had to give the box to Mum to carry, because it was too heavy. She’s a lot bigger than that now though. Mum thought she was supposed to stay small, and now we might have to buy a new cage so that she can fit in it better. I think that might be why Mum keeps crying, because she said we can’t afford to buy a new hutch and that Florrie’s only a stupid rabbit so she wouldn’t notice anyway.
I don’t think Florrie’s stupid though. She can push a ball around with her nose and it has a bell inside so you can hear her playing. I like it because the bell sounds nice and happy so I know she’s having fun. I don’t think stupid animals can play like that. I think things like slugs and flies are stupid because they just crawl around in circles or fly into windows and that doesn’t seem very fun.
Mum says Florrie is stupid because she eats her own poo, but I was watching an animal programme on TV at Dad’s the other day, and monkeys sometimes eat their poo and they’re really clever. They can open coconuts with rocks and give the zookeepers hugs and that’s almost as clever as humans. I think Florrie eats her poo because she knows it’s good for her. Like I eat carrots even though I hate them because I want to be big and strong when I’m older. And I want to see in the dark.
Rabbits can see in the dark. I know because once I heard Mum shouting at someone in her bedroom and it woke me up, so I crept downstairs to see Florrie. Even with the lights off she still stuck her nose in between the bars of her hutch to smell my hand so she must have seen me come in. It cheers me up when she does that, because if I go into Mum’s room in the middle of the night she shouts at me, but Florrie never makes a single sound.
I wish she could make a noise though, like cats and dogs bark or purr when they’re happy. Florrie just stares at me so I don’t know when she’s happy or not. She has a cardboard tube to climb through and a basket full to the top with straw. It’s quite prickly though, and sometimes she wriggles her nose if it itches from eating it. It’s really funny, because she looks like when you see cartoon rabbits like Bugs Bunny on the TV. On some days I’m allowed to give her the leftover vegetables from the fridge. If I were a rabbit I think I’d like that, so I think she’s happy even though she doesn’t bark or purr.
I don’t like it when I have to go to Dad’s and leave her behind. I know Mum feeds her, but she doesn’t stroke her or get her out to play and she must get bored in her too small hutch with no-one’s hand to sniff. Whenever I come home from Dad’s I get her out and cuddle her really close to me. She is so close that I can hear her heart beating super fast and I think it must mean she’s excited to see me.
My heart beats fast when I’m going high on my swing in the back yard. Mum shouts at me that I’ll fall off and hurt myself, but I like it because I can see into my neighbour’s garden and it has loads of pretty flowers in, and a pond with a fountain and fishes like the one in the park where I go to feed the ducks. I can smell all the flowers when I’m high up too, and it reminds me of how the house used to smell when Dad bought Mum flowers and she’d put them in a big glass vase on the windowsill. The garden looks horrid in winter though, because the trees’ leaves fall off, and the flowers go all droopy and sad-looking. Last year when it was really cold I saw one of the fishes floating in the pond and not moving. Mum said it must have died because its heart had frozen. That scared me because I heard Dad shout at Mum before he left that she had a cold heart. I hope that doesn’t mean she’s going to die.
I know she cries a lot, but she can be fun sometimes. When she’s happy both of us sit on the floor and get Florrie out and we make a square with our legs with her in the middle, and she hops over our legs when she wants to escape. That’s when I have two best friends. But I only have one when Mum cries, because then she won’t play with me. Florrie always wants to play and that’s why she’s the bestest friend ever. I don’t care if she’s just a stupid rabbit because I love her.

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Inspired by an experience

House For One
Living alone. Those two words seem to inspire fear in any student. For many, leaving the comfort of home in first year is a hard enough change to adjust to, and sibling jealousy develops just because the one still there gets proper hearty food and their laundry done for them. It’s something taken for granted pre-university, as well as always having someone to go running to when you need change for the bus, or to help explain how you claim your tax back without resorting to the internet. For the majority of students though, this dependency shifts when the nest has been flown, either onto new flatmates, a boy/girlfriend, or in my case - myself.
I’ve always been pretty independent, I had a job at sixteen, was driving at seventeen and had been in a three year relationship at eighteen, so for me uni was the new start, the real deal. But when two weeks in, I had no car to travel wherever I pleased, couldn’t get a job for love or money and had finished with the boyfriend who was holding me back, I was hit with the realisation that this was it.
The novelty of a student loan to spend and going out drinking every night had worn off; and I was burnt out, bored and craving a challenge. At home I was always busy, so being resigned to a bedroom, corridor and kitchen that I had to share with six others was like putting a hamster in a ball - I could wander around, but ultimately, I felt trapped.
Rather than solve the problem in a drastic manner that required maximum effort (I am still a student after all) I tried a few different things to sate my desire for more. I joined the theatre group, and performed in ’Twelfth Night’. I made friends, filled my time with rehearsals and line-learning and fed the exhibitionist in me by appearing on stage for two nights. And that was it. After a hectic eight week whirlwind, it was all over, and I returned to the drudgery of a three room world where getting a takeaway was an event.
So I tried the next thing. I’ve always been into fashion, and had found a kindred spirit in my boyfriend’s flatmate, so we started the idea of creating a fashion society. After all the formalities, LUFS was set up, and soon we had 38 members, a trip to The Clothes Show planned, and a magazine in production. One thing I hadn’t realised though was how much work running a society was. Handling an email account, running meetings, organising socials and prepping a publication with just two people was a nightmare, and ridiculously time consuming. Exec members changed with the wind once they realised how big a commitment it was, and funds were tight. I began regretting setting myself such a demanding task, and relished the snatched hours I had to watch rubbish TV, and bake fairy cakes.
Then the biggest opportunity reared its head - living alone in third year. Having lived in a house of twelve previously it would be a massive adjustment. My parents had bought a house, with the premise of renting it out, but it had space for four, and we were a group of six. Six people with a bickered division that meant we were split into two threes, and there were no houses for three. My boyfriend was the first to go, having been offered a space with four other guys. Then a house for four was found, leaving one left over. At the prospect of living sans rent for a year, I jumped ship and offered to settle the problem.
When I started telling people, the reactions were laughable.
“You’re living on your own? Like completely?”
“Alone? But…why?”
“Oh my god, did no one want to live with you?”
I found it astonishing that people just couldn’t comprehend. The number of times I explained the situation only to be faced with a blank stare was ridiculous. What did all these people intend on doing after university? Live with their parents their whole lives, or wait patiently until a relationship got serious enough to get a mortgage and settle down? I felt quite capable of managing a house by myself, and thought that at worst it would mean less distraction from the dreaded dissertation.
I spent my summer choosing paint colours and bedspreads, making cushion covers and tie-backs, and choosing wallpaper for my feature wall; I loved it. I changed an empty magnolia shell into my own house, where unlike a typical student residence, the kitchen sides were visible and I had more than one cupboard for my clothes.
As the holidays dragged to an end, I was excited to move in and start my new venture. I had visions of sitting on the lounge floor surrounded by Vogue magazines with no one to complain about it, and eating at a real table because - shock horror - I had a dining room. Term started, and I looked forward to the end of the day, so I could go home to my own space, where I appreciated watching rubbish TV as I had paid for the license, and if I baked fairycakes they weren’t all gone the next time I came downstairs.
Slowly but surely, people turned. “Oh my god, you’re so lucky having this all to yourself!”
“This is like a real grown-up house.”
“It’s so nice and clean!”
My boyfriend and I didn’t have to go to our rooms to escape everyone, and my friends asked to have parties at mine so they didn’t have to annoy their housemates.
So sure, I have to remember to put the bins out, and I’m the one who has to get up early to let the gas man in. There’s just me to de-grease the oven, and it’s only my fault if I forget to lock the door. But I’ve not died of loneliness. I don’t think every creak of the gate is a burglar coming to get me. I’m more than happy in my pretty little house. Where just I live. Alone.

Thursday, 27 January 2011

Inspired by a late night

Two

A lake.
Still, harsh, cold.
Its surface shiny and glistening;
like the eyes that haunt me each day.

A boat.
Battered and peeling,
containing us both.
Two lives balanced between Earth and sky.

A history.
Our paths fated to be walked together-
fully entwined.
Childhood spent playing halves to one life.

A push.
And weeds dragged you under;
hair curled around your face,
clutching at your breath.

A shout.
Remorseful tears drop,
merging with the murky depths
that now form your grave.

A twin.
Now left alone,
solitary.
To see the world through guilty eyes.

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Inspired by ten words

In Sleep

A break from reality,
your mind stumbling over the flood of events
harboured in your head.

Eyes closed and brain open
like a sponge that holds memories,
itching to be cut open, for them to pour -
shivering -
onto your slumbering body.

In these reveries, sheets can feel like silk,
willing you to rest;
or like choking seaweed, grasping for you,
defenceless and alone.

They bend around your skull
repeating and distorting,
until you submit and bow to honesty.

Each night this process starts
uncontrollable and ever-changing.
Then a faint light breaks the curtain -
and saves you from yourself.

Friday, 19 November 2010

Inspired by tradition

Rhymes for the Cynical


Little Miss Muffet who sat on her tuffet
eating her curds and whey;
didn’t she have anything better to do
than chomping on food all day?

And Humpty Dumpty who sat on that wall,
why not use a chair?
Why did the King send his horses and men?
It’s clearly a doctor’s affair.


When Jack and Jill went up that hill
and poor Jack broke his crown;
why did young Jill follow him there?
She knew she’d come tumbling down.

The Three Blind Mice that ran around
chasing the farmer’s wife;

why complain at a lack of a tail?
At least you have your life.

Poor Mary with that little lamb
constantly at her flank,
if that were me I’d cook it up -
I love a good lamb shank.

So while as kids we sang these songs,

as adults we just laugh.
Huge spiders, blind mice, eggs that speak?
It’s really rather daft!

















Saturday, 23 October 2010

Inspired by a memory


The summer we discovered the world.

That summer, we rented a caravan and drove there
like real grownups.
For four days we played house
just us two.
Ate asparagus dipped in butter,
and laughed when it dribbled down our chins.

We lay naked on the sofa, limbs mingled,
not caring who saw.
Got hazy eyes from too much wine
and jumped at the seagulls overhead,
‘Rats with wings’ we said.

We walked in grass up to our knees
chasing butterflies.
Set the fire alarm off cooking bacon
for breakfast in bed,
and chewed liquorice while watching the news.

We shouted words from the cliff tops,
listening as they dissolved on the breeze,
and fell silent at the echo of the waves
as they sloshed against the wall
wishing we could stay one more day.

That summer?
We lived.